How Far Would You Go to Get Closer to Someone You Love? An Account of How Far Did I Really Go!!

This post has been written for a contest, "Go further to get closer" , http://bit.ly/1epU8Uj

From a non believer of love to its preacher, from a carefree person to a girl who would give up everything for her beloved, perhaps even him; that’s how my journey on the path of love has been. Love is definitely not a destination but a road to travel together all your life, but sometimes destiny makes you choose to walk alone, far away from your love, farther than you could ever think!!   

It was the summer of 2012 when I first saw him smiling to a crowd of more than a hundred of students gathered at the final session that year for the cultural society of our college. It was the end of the year, a time when new coordinators would be elected from the final year of Engineering as per the tradition and this time it was him. One of the most popular and talked about guy, it was Ahaan Sharma, the new coordinator. Smiling shyly he waved to the members with a courtesy that seemed too genuine and honest. Like all others in the campus, I was one of those girls who have heard about him being a play-boy and totally believed it. But only till today; till the day I haven’t seen him smile.

Perhaps that was the moment I joined the league of his fans, the moment when I saw him smile. He wasn't the most handsome of all but there was a definite charm in him, a charm so strong that it wouldn't let you forget him easily.

After that fateful day, my eyes would always begin searching for him in the campus even without my consent. I have always been a person who avoids problems rather than facing them. Since years, I had convinced myself that I really do not believe in love. I acquired a tendency to avoid anything and almost everything that comes with an immense potential of uncertainties or that possess even a slight chance of hurting me. I would always prefer to stay comfortable in my cocoon hidden from the harsh realities of the world, staying away from most of the people.

Not that I was an introvert but I was too afraid of men. During my High School days, I was smacked by a man on my chest; that was the first time when I realized being a girl impeccably means being stared at your breasts. A number of such events followed making me turn deaf and blind towards love. I would always say to myself, if they can’t respect women how do I fall in love with them. I was no fool to believe that all men are the same; obviously there are plenty of good people around but I intentionally chose to only look at the darker side. As long as it keeps me away from love and agony, I was comfortable believing in it.  

At college, I would frequently crush on some guy, mostly a senior. I would not restrain from telling all my friends about the same. Soon, when my friends would realize me standing no chance to be with the person, something that I had known from the beginning and the reason behind why I had taken his name; I would walk off with heads high to search for the next prey! It would never really hurt me, for it was just meant for fun, and I would never really try to make efforts to even get to know the people I like or admitted doing so. But this time, it was different. After a month of solacing myself with false beliefs, I finally pressed the ‘add friend’ button on Facebook.

That’s where my story began! It was just a casual conversation once a while for almost a year, the time when he was at college. As soon as he left I missed seeing him smile. I continued crushing on others, having fun with friends and chasing my passion of music and literature, but a part of me always wanted to hear more from him. That was the time when I finally decided to talk. This time I did not constrain myself and followed what the heart said. I had always avoided long chats, the ones that seem to last for hours. A few minutes of talk spread across the entire day or a short phone call is all that it takes for me to be happy. Soon, we were talking, actually chatting and that seemed enough.

I had always wanted to write. Wishing to get an inspiration to complete my half written manuscript, I wandered like a body in search of his soul. I would never really write but only dream of being a writer, such was the level of procrastination! That was the time; I decided to stay away from all social networks and write, the time when we exchanged phone numbers!

It is the lull before the storm; I was warned incessantly by my instincts. Stay away lest you fall in love, my heart screamed when we texted for the first time. But perhaps, it was too late. Afraid of nothing I chose to go with the flow, not making any efforts to protect myself from being hurt like before.

People are really different from what they are perceived to be in public, that’s what I have learnt knowing Ahaan. Trying again to write, I did not even realize when the lead character of my story began revolving around him. I was indeed portraying his shadow; a guy with a smile so powerful, pure and innocent that it could brighten up your darkest days. A guy with whom you will fall in love the moment you would read his poetry. At least that was what had happened to the girl of my story; the girl who I did not myself know was becoming more like me, or perhaps I was becoming her.

He was soon in my prayers, in my dreams, indeed in the every moment I breathed. I would miss him every second, my heart skipping a beat at the very mention of his name. The lead loved watching cartoons, having chocolates, black coffee and ice creams just like Ahaan did. He would always complain of nightmares not letting him sleep, and I would instantly find myself praying to the Lord to give him peace. Every day I would wake up with a desire to see him smile at me and to stroke my head with love. I was falling deeply, passionately and truly in this thing called love yet this time I wasn’t scared. Now it was not just a story I was writing but it was our story, my love story or shall I say my one sided love story.

Not scared to love with all my heart yet shy to say it aloud. The year 2014 came, yet I could not confess. Every day I would console myself saying, he will know perhaps in a year or two when the script would be a published novella. What I did not know then is you need to hurry up; else you might lose one forever. You need to say before someone else does!

What I did not know then, was how deeply he craved for love. He believed in love like children believe in fairy tales. Accepting the love of a girl pronouncing to be deeply in love with him, he expected her to fill all the voids in his life. I was dejected, yet happy; for nothing could give you more pleasure on this earth than seeing the one whom you love smile heartily. From a person too afraid of being hurt to a person enjoying this pain, I did not myself know how far I had travel in this journey of love.

It has been rightly said, Heavens shower you with immense happiness only when they ought to snatch something more precious. Soon, he was informed about the infidelity of his partner. The time when I was lamenting for being late, for not even giving myself a chance to speak, I needed to consolidate myself and fulfill the duties of a friend and so I did. That was the time; I got to know he came from a broken family making it more difficult for him to move on.

The cheerful smile, the smile that I cherish is lost today. Feeling defeated and betrayed by everyone Ahaan has found refuge in habits like smoking. I feel like a shaft waiting for sunlight, a lonely bird that has lost its wings, a lover just yearning to see him beam. Every now and then, I would threaten him to walk away from his life, to stop being a friend unless he quit smoking. And sadly today, is the day when I am finally doing so.

From a selfish person afraid of loving, to the one willing to give up on anything; I have risen far in love, far than the ordinary. From an impatient youth to a patient lover, willing to wait for years; from a short tempered girl to someone willing to forgive every mistake one commits; from being argumentative to a peace lover; when I first begun treading this path I had no clue how far I could walk, even alone. From fearful of confession to this write up just wanting to tell him, there are people who truly care and request to stop smoking; love really makes you travel far beyond your wildest imagination.

Today, as my heartache to see him smile again, the only consolation I have is, “Love is not about having or taking, but about how selflessly, truly and passionately you have yearned to give.” As I wait for him since time that seems to be an eternity, it does not scare me, for sometimes to get closer, you first need to get further!!